We have a big problem for our young people

Porn talk is a big problem and it’s the adults creating this issue.

Whilst many are distracted by the conversations about a TV show, the world of sex & porn talk continues to lure in children, adolescents and vulnerable people, avoiding many of the filters that are assumed to be the ones to protect children.

I’m aware that many people want to ban porn and certainly I advocate the prevention of viewing this material by children. But... here’s the thing; it isn’t the biggest or only problem that needs solving when it comes to porn, access to porn or the viewing of porn. Allow me to explain, if I just jarred your opinion or understanding of this issue.

Content... to... Discussions?

I need to separate out the content, the responses to content and the way we talk about the content. And it’s the latter of all these that I feel is a very large issue that we cannot resolve, legislate or understand if we don’t talk about how we talk about sex and porn... online.

Videos

Pornography videos can, could and will (eventually) be regulated or age-gated (probably) when they are created for, hosted by, shared, uploaded and contained on websites that are commonly known as porn sites and social media.

Conversations

However, conversations about sexual activity are often and perhaps even mostly not regulated, nor are they — or will they be — when they are hidden by common chit chat ‘edits’ to avoid filters such as naming vegetables; corn for example, or when post-event back door surgery is something you “nip off to get tucked.”

Regulation, filters and sexual health-based information

Should sexual activity or health-related conversations be regulated somehow? And which one for what reasons?

What if sexual extremes and “trends” are discussed in the same way weekly shopping, trips out and house architecture, fixtures and fittings would be with the family or local tradesperson — how would these be filtered for?

Does it need to be only certain terms such as anatomical naming of body parts, or just the colloquial ones? Because the issue with this is that it would probably also filter out sexual health information.

The issue with sexual activity talk... in general

There is a bigger issue afoot, one that is about the behaviours under the spotlight here in this blog as well as sexual activity talk online when children can and do see this. It's the sexual activity talk being casually dropped onto the social media channels of, by or about porn stars and the way in which society at large talks about the porn stars.

This can and does influence young people — and that is my gripe here.

It isn’t all about the influencers, podcast hosts or porn stars alone, it’s the plethora of adults talking about sexual activity and porn as though it's all bad.

Shame for and of viewing

If we talk about sexual activity with a lens of moralistic, religious or toxic framing, imagine what it’s like for a young person who views this. If they internalise those messages, then what’s the likelihood of them talking about what they’ve viewed, especially if they label all sexual activity online as porn because this is what they are taught.

NOTE: I am not here to yuk somebody’s yum, nor is the post about the porn industry or stars directly (because that is covered in my book on sexual online harms against children). This is not about child sexual abuse imagery either — this is about sex, sexual activity and the way in which society talks about sexual activity, including pornography writ large.

Many of the grown-ups seemingly have issues about sex (based on the way they talk or don’t talk about the ‘taboo’ topic still in 2025) and clearly there’s a generation of online sexually active or unashamed folk talking to our children who don’t have those barriers.

But... it’s the grown-ups’ approach to, language about, and frequency with which we talk about sex and pornography online, when children are listening and watching us... the grown-ups.

These adults (including me here on this blog) are talking about sex and porn and we have forgotten that children are able to, and often do, see us talking about it on TV (sex and love-based TV shows or others like it), we talk about it in mainstream media articles, we talk about it on social media and then there are lots of adults having conversations about it on their podcasts (which have included me here again too).

Good versus very bad

This continuous and perhaps ever-present availability of this discourse is a precursor, an antagonist and a precipitating factor to the interest in this topic, or internalised narrative about its greatness, easy-going way to make bank, or badness and often quoted addictiveness of it that can leave young people feeling like they are broken, bad for viewing and now have a diagnosable and potentially incurable disease. One that leaves them feeling ashamed, but intrigued, embarrassed but curious and one that can and does lead to them happening upon the types of conversations they are being led to by those ‘selling it’ through their excited chatter as a great thing, versus those who tout the moralistic and judgemental hell hole that it might be! All said and done it can be both and neither.

The why and how we talk about sex and sexual activity in front of children online

This can and does inform their view and approach to sex and pornography. And we... those grown-ups, are the ones placing this discourse directly in front of the children and teens. Because we can’t stop talking about it.

Porn is to blame

Quite often I see reasoned attacks that the porn industry is responsible for the state of play of the world today and for all the ills it has brought upon us. And it’s often ‘the why’ behind the children’s * behaviour writ large in many conversations that I encounter where people tell me it’s because of all the porn they watch and have access to on them damn smartphones.

Now... rightly so that children should not be watching pornography (though I’m not discussing a markedly complex age of approximately 16–18-year-olds here, as that is entirely a different blog, chapter and verse).

*That behaviour is often about sexual harms but I have heard it used for bullying, absenteeism, attentional issues in class and many more forms of “it must be porn to blame,” and mostly it’s the boys who are discussed in this way.

Talking of sex work

Why and how we talk about the sex industry too, in the way we do might also be a reason why young people's narratives perhaps border on that derogatory language, and their opinions about people who engage in sex and sexual activity when they hear the adults around them speaking in this way.

But what about the actors of/from porn who refer to themselves as whores or sluts as though these are medals to be worn proudly for example? (again, these are not terms that I am yukking).

Confused about the language of sex, sexual activity and porn?

I’m not surprised — so why wouldn’t young people be?

What has changed... More tea, Vicar?!

Remember when sex as a topic of conversation was so taboo that adults dare not mention it, let alone in front of the children!

An example of a curfewed, redacted and ‘shhh the kids are present’ way of having conversations is thinking about the (yes, stereotypical) times that the vicar would call round for tea circa the 1960s and 70s where children might be present in front of those adults — it was considered that topics that were not meant for the kids' ears or eyes were often spelled out letter by letter or mouthed silently. You know, like the word S... E... X...! (This reminds me of how we spell out dogs going for a W.A.L.K. and they know — so why do we think kids are as stupid as dogs?)

In 2025 however it is a completely different landscape where swear and sexual words (often called vulgar language) are used commonly in music videos, TV shows, and on social media posts — and of course by adults in the real world whether kids are present or not.

But when this language is commonplace online, such as women discussing sex with hundreds of participants, or men chatting about women and how they have sex with them as though this is just an ‘ordinary day’ — then we have to think about what message this provides to the children who are listening.

Is it misogyny? Sex talk in general? Or is it all just about the sex industry... or porn stars talking in this way that is the problem?

Perhaps it's positive that professionals and podcasts are normalising the conversation about sex? ...or do they taint the sex industry as being horrid, awfulising the actors and their histories? Or are they accurate in the diagnosis of the problem by ‘outing’ the behaviours of competitors and highlighting trends (that can be dangerous) and this is what young people and children need to hear?

What I often see and is more prevalent nowadays are professionals online, ‘distance diagnosing’ those who work in the sex industry or pornography as being a misfit of society (this is the kindest version of how pornography work is talked about).

There are adults speaking out online and on podcasts with little formal knowledge around sexology or sexuality who then attack those who work in pornography for many reasons.

And then there are those who work in porn who provide the rhetoric they work here as they ‘are empowered and making a cognitive choice’ to work in this way and that this is okay, non-shaming and they can make absolute bank for. (And gives them an income that children may see as an easy way to become rich).

Is it any wonder children are confused when this is the talk they encounter online?

This is not discussing those who are sadly coerced, manipulated, bribed, blackmailed or abused within the porn industry.

The current discourse about the TikTok pipeline to OF and porn

Bad, good or precursor and pipeline to porn? Casual reflections on trends and challenges. What will this do?

I'm seeing more posts about people worried that the pipeline to OF and porn is via TikTok and these actors in porn can be seen to be on their personal and business social media accounts chatting about their work like a tradesperson would do if they were creating a video on how to change a spark plug, clean the kitchen sink, or how to plaster a wall for example. Selling it as easy work.

However what about the narrative they internalise when we say that TikTok is bad, that if they see porn-related conversations, they will be on a pathway to porn content creation. Is this truthful?

Yes IF... our children are exposed to conversations around sex work in the same way a florist would be discussing flower arranging — then the emphasis on this casual approach to sex acts can be internalised to be a social norm for them if we follow the research about exposure over time, and desensitisation to content, events and language.

And NO if... they are able to have NON-SHAMING AND OPEN discussions with the adults about these kinds of posts that are based in knowledge about sex, sexology, sexual activity, sexual health and safety, consent, what porn is and is not (typology), what viewing might result in, why porn exists and its function, why some people are porn stars and others not and of course what occurs in the porn industry in most cases.

Do we have enough of those conversations or adults around for these children to be able to reach out and speak to us? Currently I think not.

And what about the issues that arise from casual chatter about sexual conquests and the next level of content?

For example, in a recent blog (not for the faint-hearted as it's direct and to the point) I discussed the casual nature of the posts on social media from a female porn star about a “50+ back door challenge” and then the aftermath ‘post event surgery on the anal area’ reel where she discussed how she was ‘off to get this area fixed’.

Posts like the one about her surgery can provide us with an understanding of the way those adults, especially in the porn industry, can and do talk about sex to our children online. Like you go to get a plaster for an ouchy, you too can nip and tuck for serious injuries. Making this sound like it's almost nothing.

Ethical, grounded and non-panicked conversations

BUT if our children are not having ethical and informed conversations at home and in PHSE in schools, how will those casual conversations and reels be challenged?

If the topic is one that is so taboo it becomes one we cannot name or discuss, then it becomes a forbidden fruit that (on occasions) children and teenagers will purposefully go looking for. Or they can or be exposed to it if the chatter online is not using sexual language picked up by filters.

We, those grown-ups need to be the filters, we need to be the education and that means that we have to talk more about sex (bet that wasn’t what you expected) in an informed manner and leave out the morals, fear and panic — and not have our children educated by podcasts (for adults) or people who are selling the sex industry as an easy option.

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